Your Trauma is Lying to You.

Hi I’m Sidney, a survivor of childhood domestic violence. I’m writing this for all people who experienced pain at the hands of others. The helpless. The kids who’s trauma went unnoticed. I see you.

Throughout my journey of healing trauma from my childhood, I’ve learned a few valuable lessons.

The lesson I am going to talk about today is:

Your Trauma is Lying to You.

I didn’t realize how negative my mindset was about myself until I started healing. If you grew up in a home with domestic violence your perspective on yourself is going to be severely warped. My trauma caused me to develop negative self-talk and thus spiraled into social anxiety. I didn’t believe I was worthy of love, or worthy of making mistakes. In my home you had to constantly be on guard and perfect. If you weren’t perfect, you were setting yourself up for violence.

This manifested into unrealistic expectations of myself as an adult. I always felt like I was falling short. I didn’t talk in social situations, I believed there wasn’t enough room for me to speak. And what if I upset someone with my words? I didn’t want any confrontation. I made myself agreeable and quiet. This kept me safe, but killed my spirit. This was my trauma lying to me. I didn’t know how to feel safe.

I hyper analyzed myself and every situation for threats. I had to be alert for things that were going to hurt me. Your childhood brain is so scared of what is happening that it creates these defense mechanisms to keep you safe. But ultimately do not serve you well once that trauma is over. You have to unlearn what kept you safe, they no longer serve you.

This can be such a hard thing to learn when your brain was formed in an environment that told you that you had to hide to be safe. It feels very unnatural to be vulnerable or at the mercy of others opinions of you. If you are on this journey, give yourself grace. It’s not going to be a flip of a switch. Don’t become discouraged when you see others thriving being themselves. You can have that too.

Don’t believe the lies that you aren’t good enough or worthy. Your childhood self deserves you to stand up for them. Your childhood self deserves the love and support that it didn’t receive.

If you are searching for ways to heal, I recommend reading these books:

The Body Keeps the Score.

Think Like a Monk.

Invincible: The Lies We Learn Growing up in a Home with Domestic Violence

It Didn’t Start with You.

I have read every one of these books and they have all helped reformulate my inner monologue, thus changing my life.